I can't believe
by linguisticameencanta
Summary: Ginny's POV. HGGW unrequited love. Diary entry that details their confrontation about the matter.


DISCLAIMER: Everything is JKR's. I own nothing. This is not for profit unless reviews count.

Ginny/Hermione. Unrequited love.

Ginny's POV.

9 February

Dear diary,

We've been back from holiday for a month now. It seems like an eternity, really. Fifth years have started for OWL preparation. It's terrible. I'm always doing homework. Usually Hermione would help but she realized that NEWTS are next year and has already started studying. Unstoppable she is. If anyone thought she lived in the library before, well, they think she's had a permanent sticking charm attached to her feet. Between my homework and her inordinate amount of study time, we don't get to hang out anymore. I miss spending time with her. I miss enjoying her company when she stayed around. She's so uptight and paranoid that if you interrupt her studying (even though she and everyone else knows that she doesn't need to) that she'll start yelling.

I'm a strong girl. I have to be in a family full of rowdy boys. I can take insults and throw them straight back at triple force. But I couldn't the other night after I interrupted Hermione. All I did was sit down beside of her on the couch in front of the fire in the common room. I didn't say a word, I just sat there and watching the fire. After a minute or two she … blew up. She slammed her book shut, gathered her massive pile of notes, and stormed off to her dormitory, yelling about everyone being inconsiderate, unintelligent, and mindless prats for not caring about their marks.

I sat there for a minute and stormed off outside, forgetting my clock, forgetting my scarf, my gloves, forgetting everything other than how much I wanted to get away. The one thing I felt I could rely on to be constant … broke. Hermione has never been harsh with me. Not once in the past four years of our friendship has she ever raised her voice at me. She's put me in my place more than once, brought me back to reality – but she was always calm, always making me think things through for myself.

I found myself up in the astronomy tower, freezing and willing myself to calm down. Not even when Fred and George showed my first bra to someone in my father's office did I get this upset. They certainly got what they deserved the next time we went into Hogsmeade. Heh. I've often considered that to be the most upsetting moment of my life, but this won without challenge.

Hermione and I have always been attached at the hip, as mum always tells us. We're best friends. I'm not as studious as she is but we just enjoy each others company. Usually she'll sit in the corner of the library and me on the other side of the table. I think it's more vital than ever just to appreciate someone's presence. The war could take anyone at any moment. I'm not stupid, I just don't discuss it. Just a quick glance can say anything we can't when we're in the library or any other situation. But this. This… no idea what set her off, no idea if she was truly upset with me, no quick glances. It wasn't the Hermione I knew.

As I stared out over the Forbidden Forest, I knew every ounce of logic I possessed had gone straight up the stairs along with Hermione. My logic had probably even been packed away with her notes. I probably wouldn't have panicked like that if I'd not seen her explode on Ron and Harry two weeks ago. I was afraid I'd been oblivious to something just like they always are.

Part of me hoped the frigid air might help somehow. The other part knew it wouldn't do anything but probably make me sick, especially with no winter garments. As I sat down on the stone square protruding from underneath the window, I heard someone quickly yet lightly padding up the marble steps. I knew who it was without turning around.

So I didn't.

I sat there, resolute that she would speak first. I didn't have to wait long.

I was so flustered that I can no longer recall our exact conversation, but I shall try to recreate it as best as I can – at least getting the point across.

**"I knew you'd be up here."** Her voice was calm, reluctant to speak at all, it seemed.

**_"As if I didn't know you'd come up here after you'd dumped your books in your dorm. Four years makes one rather predictable, wouldn't you say?"_** I said with the most biting voice I could manage. She'd hurt me and I felt quite justified in being nasty.

**"Ginny," she paused "please don't start. Please. Let me just say what I have to say so we can both get back to our dorms, get warm, and go to bed. Will you let me do that?"**

I took a big breath and said as fast as I could,**_ "I obviously can't stop you, can I? Go on."_** I paused slightly and continued, my voice growing louder, **_"What have I done though, Hermione? You've never been cross with me. You really upset me." _**

**"You got too close. Ginny we're not a couple! Imagine, an open lesbian couple! How would the school react? I also know you aren't bisexual or lesbian; neither am I. So why would we want to make the whole school think so? It's simply ridiculous. Think of Ron's reaction if he thought we were together, Ginny! We wouldn't make it out of the common room alive. Let's just stop being close physically. It isn't necessary and it makes me uneasy. That isn't going to hinder our friendship." **She shot me a look, fully expecting to see me happy and willing to comply. She continued anyway "**Now that that's settled, let's go back before we get sick. It's almost 9:00 and I'd really rather not have Filch on our trail."** She finished her lecture nicely I though, and offered me a hand.

I refused her hand and said it the weakest voice I'd ever had in my life **_"No… no Hermione. It isn't settled. It… we haven't even begun."_** I felt a tear fall down my face at the end of my statement. I knew I couldn't go back, I had to say something.

Clearly in disbelief, she stared at me, waiting for me to spill whatever it was I needed to say.

I made sure the tear was gone completely before I turned around to face her. My whole body had started to shake and I wasn't sure I was going to get through everything I had to say.

**_"Hermione, I ask only that you not interrupt and please let me finish before you judge what I have to say,"_** I blurted out just to cut the eerie silence. I started out in a very fake, confident voice, **_"You were wrong when you said you knew I wasn't… that I wasn't bisexual. I am."_** I took a deep breath and avoided her eyes, **_"And if you feel that I'm too physical, please understand that I don't mean to be. I think I've done very well because I've wanted to do so much more." _**At last, the barrage of tears came – as I was so hoping they wouldn't. **_"Please don't abandon me, I've never said anything… but I was hoping that I had found signs that you were flirting with me… apparently I was mistaken. I'm so sorry, but please don't be angry that … that I want to be with you."_** My voice was barely audible.

I wiped the tears from my face and looked up to see Hermione's completely blank face.

She started off slowly**, "I suppose that shouldn't surprise me. Just forget it Ginny, for both of our sakes. Forget it. I just want to go to bed now. It isn't important." **

I couldn't believe what she'd said. It wasn't important! What I felt wasn't important! How could she be my best friend and have no regard for my feelings? I watched her quickly leave but I had no intention of following her just yet. I sat there for perhaps another half an hour past curfew. I was in a daze.

Suddenly a big furry cat launched itself at me, scaring me. Luckily I realized it was Crookshanks before I tried to hurt it. He curled up in my lap and looked up at me expectantly.

**_"Oh, Crookshanks,"_** I said sadly**_, "I know Hermione is hiding something. She's been around Harry too long, hasn't she? She's learning to hide things just the way he does."_** Exasperated, I leaned my head against the wall and felt more tears stream down my face.

**_"She's flirted with me over the years, Crookshanks. I know you know about it – you were there so many times. She used to hold my hand, used to rub my back, play with MY hair, hug me even. We had something special, even if we never said it. You know how adults can read each others eyes? We did… until she started getting so frustrated about exams… two years early. I don't think it's the exams that made her so touchy. I think she realized what she and I were doing and got scared. I think she's in denial." _**

Crookshanks nuzzled against me and then jumped off toward the doorway. I knew I should follow this time. Maybe with time…

Maybe with time, my wonderful diary, will I get to have the friendship we used to have. Until then, I suppose, I'll have to take a leaf out of Hermione's book and study so I won't think about it. Maybe that's exactly why she studies so much.

Oh, how I love her. How I want to be the one she comes to for comfort, for an ear to rant to, to hold her head up when she just can't possibly be strong any longer. I want to be the one that takes care of her when she's sick, I want to be able to hold her hand in public, to kiss her forehead, to hug her again. She's my sanity, diary; I need her. Maybe she'll realize she needs me, too, after I ignore her completely. I can't believe I'm in this situation…

But I must go now, it's almost time for dinner. Thanks for your ever wonderful ear… not that you have a choice, hm? Hah.

Love,

Ginny L. Weasley


End file.
